Vegetables: fact or fiction?

Surreal giant green vegetables in sunset field

Love or hate them, everyone knows about vegetables. They’re a staple in our diets and in our hearts, but today we pose the question: are they fact, or are they fiction? Sure, from an outside view they may appear to be fact, but from a philosophical standpoint we know that there’s a chance that nothing truly exists. But this isn’t an article on existence or existentialism, this is an article on vegetables. Some people may ask why we would use vegetables as a jumping off point for this discussion, I would pose the question, why not vegetables? In fact in my opinion, this question could be extended to all of life. Looking for something to eat: why not vegetables? Looking for the meaning of life: why not vegetables? Looking for the answer to your deep-rooted trauma and depression: why. not. Vegetables.


So far in this article we’ve addressed vegetables as an entire group rather than in their own individual species. This is a little bit like if we decided to group humans in with all other animals, while this may be technically true, it would definitely offend some people. So let’s be kind and respectful of our little leafy friends, and address them individually by species.


Let’s start with tomatoes. Fuck tomatoes. They’re disgusting, they’re an imposter and they’re an example of everything that is wrong with modern society. This is the only “vegetable” that I dislike, for they are nothing but frauds, every last one of them. I cannot put into words how disgusted I am by tomatoes’ lies, deceit and treachery. If you see a tomato in the wild, do not initiate contact. They are an inherently immoral and treacherous species. These are the true fiction of the vegetable world.


Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s move onto squash. Now, we’ve all heard of squash, I mean, who hasn’t heard of squash. But are squash real? Answer me this, have you ever seen a squash? Have you ever tasted one? Now you may think you have but is that really verifiable? Do you have any evidence, photo or video of you with a squash? And even if you do, how do you know that they’re real. Maybe you just think the picture is of a squash and it’s a actually a carrot. According to Last Tuesdayism it’s very well possible that the world was created last Tuesday and everything you think to be actual memories were simply inserted into your brain last Tuesday. Now, why couldn’t the same be true of squash? Following this ironclad reasoning I posit the theory that squashes are nothing but an illusion, created by the man to keep us down. I mean no disrespect if I’m proven wrong and squash truly do exist, but for now I do think they’re fiction.


Now, onto the true king of the vegetable kingdom. The only fully verifiable, and rational vegetable. I am of course, talking about the one and only, the carrot. Carrots, they may rest in our meals, but truly we know that they live in our hearts. This is fact, and not up for debate. You need to look no further than at a freshly washed carrot. Even without any preparation, without a side or anything of the like, the carrot is beautiful and delicious. It is real and that’s all I can say. It is difficult to describe the majesty of the noble carrot with words alone, perhaps an interpretive dance would suit better, but sadly I cannot communicate that through writing. Carrots are the nobility, the royalty among other vegetables;,the equivalent among humans of a noble lord, a selfless firefighter and a beautiful model all wrapped into one. They possess all of the good traits and none of the bad. I could write an entire article on how amazing carrots are, but sadly there are other vegetables I have yet to address.


Lettuce. Lettuce is the working man of the vegetable kingdom, not particularly noble nor majestic, but beautiful in their own way, for without them everything would fall apart. These are fact, and probably the most cold hard facts I will discuss for their raw might and versatility. Lettuce is the glue keeping everything together, it’s the working man that toils away day after day so that life may continue. What would the most majestic of all vegetable combinations, a salad, be without lettuce. It may not be the spice or the life of the meal, but without it, everything else would fall on its head. Lettuce is something we should all take our time to respect, because without lettuce, we would have nothing.


Now we reach the part of the article that I’ve been avoiding, for the true, disgusting immorality of it never fails to horrify me, even with all my experience and study. Even now I’m stalling, for it hurts me to talk about this, but it must be done. We’ve been over tomatoes, but they are truly only the tip of an awful, awful iceberg. I have dubbed them the “the imposters.” Peppers, cucumbers, peas, string beans, eggplant, olives, corn and zucchini. There are more less well known ones, but these are the largest groups. The disgusting followers of the tomato. Now, some of these aren’t that bad for a fruit. But they try to infiltrate the royal class of vegetable, and that is a crime beyond compare. As we all know vegetables are objectively better than fruits, a natural evolution, a step up. So this attempt to infiltrate the vegetable kingdom is nothing short of high treason.


You, yes you can do your part in stopping this fiction by informing everyone you know that these groups are not vegetables. Talk to your friends, shout it from the rooftops, do whatever is necessary. But for now, I hope next time you eat a vegetable you think back to this article, and be grateful for the joy that real vegetables bring to us. Maybe you can even investigate the mythical squash. Till next week when we’ll be investigating, meat.

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