Disclaimer: This article is satirical, and as such should not be taken seriously.
Oh Sonic, how the mighty have fallen. Once the mascot for one of the biggest game companies in the world, Sonic has become the laughing stock of a gaming company that is in some serious financial trouble. And you should hate this fictional character more because of that. What, not a good enough reason for you? Then let me count down the top 5 reasons you should hate Sonic the Hedgehog.
#5 – Furries
This is the Internet, after all. It is one of the few things you can count on in life. The sun rises, people pay taxes, and furries are hated on the Internet. Hey, you’re on the Internet, aren’t you? Join the bandwagon! Or are YOU a furry? If so, I hate you.
Sonic the Hedgehog is an anthropomorphic blue cartoon hedgehog, or in layman’s terms, a furry. This means that he and his other furry friends are often the subject of porn, ‘cuz furries are sex obsessed and stuff (A quick check at the Sonic the Hedgehog article on encyclopedia dramatica would confirm this). Porn involving furries is what is known as “Yiff”, which is only below Jack Thompson in terms of vileness.
Simply being tied to such a community is reason enough to hate Sonic the Hedgehog. Similarly, you should hate Barack Obama, because he is tied to a man who is tied to a terrorist organization.
#4 – The Fanbase
If you were to ask somebody what the worst fanbase in the world is, chances are they would mention the Sonic fanbase. Or the Fallout fanbase, but that’s another article. Why? Because the fanbase is notoriously unpleasable, divided, and filled with furries (see above).
Earlier this year, the much-hyped “Project Needlemouse” was revealed to be Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Episode 1. And what did they do? Complain about it. And over, what, three seconds of gameplay footage? Screw analyzing the footage, you have to play the entire game before you can have an opinion about it. Except for me, of course, because the game is going to be great no matter what. Can’t they see that this is what they’ve always wanted?
And then there’s those stupid fanboys who are gushing over this game. They’ve never played the game, so why are they saying it’s the best thing ever? And how can they ignore all of the significant flaws seen in the leaked footage? There’s a freaking minecart level, in a sonic game! And there’s boostpads and springs EVERYWHERE! I’ve never played the game, but I can tell you that this game isn’t anything like the classics. How can they possibly say that this is what we’ve always wanted! Can’t they see that they’re blindly buying into the hype machine?
Obviously, you should hate the cretin that all of these raving lunatics are fawning over. Because it’s the imaginary character’s fault!
#3 – The Fanfiction
Fanfiction, no matter what it’s based off of, or who it is written by, is the literary equivalent of the plague. It’s so unoriginal, they’re not even making up their own characters, except the ones that they do, but those are just Mary Sues. Nor are they making up their own settings, except when they do, but then it’s just ruining the canon of the series. And I don’t agree with their interpretations of the story, therefore it’s wrong.
So you see, you should hate all fanfiction. And did you know that there’s Sonic fanfiction? I blame the company that made the original characters, because if they hadn’t, there wouldn’t be any fanfiction about the original characters. And by extension, I blame the original character, who in this case is Sonic.
#2 – 16 years of bad games
Fact: There hasn’t been a good Sonic game since Sonic & Knuckles, which was released in 1994. Even the supposedly good Sonic games since then suck. Sonic Adventure? It scored nearly 4 points lower on GameSpot when it was lazily ported to the Gamecube -a more powerful console- 4 years after it was originally released, with no significant improvements. For full price. Therefore, the original game sucked, and the 9 out of 10 was just launch goggles. GamesRadar said it, so it must be true!
Sonic Adventure 2? Too linear, and it introduced Shadow the Hedgehog, who is the worst character ever. Sonic Heroes? The four story modes weren’t different enough. Sonic Rush? One word: Boost. Sonic Rush Adventure? Same, with more cutscenes and motorboats. Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood? Glorified fanfiction. Sonic Rivals (and Sonic Rivals 2)? Pfft, that’s for the PSP, and nobody cares about the PSP. Disqualified.
See? No good games in 16 years. Anyone who says different is a fanboy, and/or a furry. You should hate Sonic for this alone!
#1 – It’s Cool
If you’re a hipster, and since you go to Nova I know you are, you simply must hate Sonic the Hedgehog. If you don’t, you can just turn in your hipster badge right now, because liking Sonic is so out of style. That was the nineties, man, get over it!
And if you’re a gaming journalist, it is an absolute prerequisite for the job. A day isn’t complete in the offices of GamesRadar, Destructoid, Joystiq, Gamespot, IGN, etc. if they don’t make a snide comment about Sonic. And gaming journalist’s opinions mean more than everyone else’s opinion, you should share their anti-sonic opinions, too. It’ll make your opinions seem more credible.
There you have it, five foolproof reasons why everyone, especially you, should hate Sonic the Hedgehog. Hate Sonic the Hedgehog yet? If not, you’re a uncool, fanfiction writing, furry fanboy who should crawl into a hole and die. Because the entire Internet hates you.
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Satirical or not, #4 is pure fact
While I agree with you on the creepyness of furry porn (the very thought makes me shudder and want to puke) I do like sonic the hedgehog, I respect your opinion and I will now simply state mine. While I am not a major fan, I do like the characters and some of the games, the fans complaining about things is stupid, if you don't like it, don't play it. Sonic is more of a kids thing anyway, 10 year olds love it and love the corny characters they come up with, I don't mind the character, the company however is trying too hard and needs to come up with origional ideas instead of copying off of mario (sonic karts? what idiot came up with that?), my 9 year old step brother loves it, I love it too, I mean I love the origional spyro games and spongebob, I just have kiddy likes. I do not see what's so amazing about C.O.D its boring and you do nothing but kill people, shoot things and while they might love C.O.D and hate sonic others love Sonic and hate C.O.D, it's a matter of opinion. As for fanfiction, people who actually have an interest in writting and have thought abut getting their origional work published such as myself who read fanfiction do not pay attention to the story and nothing else, we pay attention to the writters style, grammar (which I admit I need to improve), how they've pieced the story together and how well they write, they want people to pay attention to this in their work aswell, keeping characters IN CHARACTER is difficult and is an enjoyable challenge and does improve ones writting skills, fanfiction for fans of literature is simply help to develop their writting skills, this is why we love reviews that instead of saying 'omg awesome' give us creative critisism, such as, 'I enjoyed this but this, this and this need to be fixed up and worked on and you spelt this word wrong,'
Sonic unleashed, while the night levels were arduous and the story line cliche, the day stages were very good and fun, and I will continue to play it.
Hey, I like sonic the hedgehog, and I would consider myself a fan. Oh wait, this is the internet, I can’t like anything, especially not sonic, so BLARGH I HATE SONIC RAAAAAGE!
I disagree with your “furry” comment. I doubt Sonic relates to pornography at all. If he did then wouldn’t all “furry” stuffed animals (& cartoons who are animals)relate to porn?
Anyway, I think this article is ridiculous. To me Sonic is made of awesome. I love his show. Only the SATam version. All of the others suck. With the exception of The adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog.
My favorite Sonic games are as follows: Sonic 1,2,3 S&K for genesis. Sonic 1, 2, Sonic Chaos, Triple Trouble, Tails Adventure for gamegear. I haven’t played the others for wii. I’m sure they’re just as good. Not to mention the music is awesome.
All in all SONIC ROCKS!!! And Sonic 4 is a good game. Even though it is short. I disagree with this article whole heartedly. Sonic is awesome. Don’t you forget it!
Sonic fan for life!
obvious troll is obvious
Haters be hating.
And plus the lets compare it to the other Video Game “big guys” of today.
Call of Duty: Nothing but a cheap war imitation with overly excessive blood and violence, plus no story or purpose.
Halo: Puh-lease, 2001.
Gears of War: A pathetic attempt at a shooter that basically no one cares about anymore.
Mario: Probably he only good video game alongside SonicTH currently.
Pac-Man: Hell yah! instant classic, you can’t NOT love it.
Im a huge fan of Sonic the Hedgehog. I grew up playing his games and i will always play his games. I get tired of hearing people say that sonic sucks. In my opinion sonic is one of the best games ever made. I enjoy the characters and I enjoy the storylines. I think everyone needs to stop dissing on games that other people like and grow up. There are alot of games I dont like that alot of people like and I dont diss on the game.
yeah you tell’em
sonic is the best damn video game series alive 20 years and still unstoppable SONIC THE HEDGEHOG IS A LEGEND, GO SONIC!!!!!