We’ve all been there. You’re looking for affordable instruments, when all of a sudden you see a beautiful electric guitar/bass/stringed instrument. It’s on sale, but it’s still more expensive than you’ll ever be able to afford. Don’t you just want to beat it up, but don’t know how to go about doing it? Well, look no further, because this is the definitive guide to beating up electric guitars.
First off, don’t smash it on the ground. Not only will you have to pay for it, the guitar’s life dream is to be smashed on the ground, on stage, by a rock star. While you’re probably not on a stage, or a rock star, it still counts. You also can’t set it on fire, even if you aren’t Jimi Hendrix. Because being on fire is cool, and all guitars strive to be cool. Don’t kill or beat up the guitar in a cool fashion, because you’ll only be doing it a favor.
Physically abusing the guitar doesn’t work either. It doesn’t feel pain, don’t even bother. It will just laugh at you and your feeble attempts to make it feel worse about itself. Instead, physically abuse the strings. How do you do that, you may ask? First put your non-dominant hand on the neck of the guitar, and depress the strings. Next, strum with your other hand. Now move your neck hand randomly up and down the neck of the guitar, while strumming as fast as you can. The guitar hates it when it’s being used to make bad music, making this one of the most effective ways of beating up a guitar.
Even more effective, however, is playing a song poorly. This is more difficult, however, because you must know how to play a song before you can play it poorly. To play the song poorly, use the whammy bar at inappropriate times, and put your fingers in between frets occasionally. This works because guitars really hate bad cover bands, and being in one is even worse.
The only known method in which you do not play the guitar badly to beat it up, but you still play it, is to play Stairway to Heaven. Or Free Bird. Or Green Grass and High Tides. Or some other song with a really famous guitar solo. Why? Because it’s already seen this done a million times while it’s been sitting around in the store. The repetition is unbearable for the guitar.
Finally, the only known method to beat up a guitar without playing it is to hide the guitar. The guitar wants to be the center of attention, to be in the spotlight. Hiding the guitar robs them of this opportunity, and it will hate life until it is found again. To be extra ironic, hide the guitar in the bass section (if you’re beating up a bass, hide the bass in the percussion room).
And that, my friends, is how it’s done. Beating up a guitar will fill you with a new sense of pride, the feeling of knowing that you have just taught that guitar a lesson it will never forget: don’t be an expensive guitar. Your friends will be so jealous of your guitar beating-up skills. But be warned, if the word spreads too far, you may find yourself forbidden from going to any concerts involving string instruments, for fear of the instruments getting a good pummeling.
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