Disclaimer: This article is satirical, and as such should not be taken seriously.
Oh Sonic, how the mighty have fallen. Once the mascot for one of the biggest game companies in the world, Sonic has become the laughing stock of a gaming company that is in some serious financial trouble. And you should hate this fictional character more because of that. What, not a good enough reason for you? Then let me count down the top 5 reasons you should hate Sonic the Hedgehog.
#5 – Furries
This is the Internet, after all. It is one of the few things you can count on in life. The sun rises, people pay taxes, and furries are hated on the Internet. Hey, you’re on the Internet, aren’t you? Join the bandwagon! Or are YOU a furry? If so, I hate you.
Sonic the Hedgehog is an anthropomorphic blue cartoon hedgehog, or in layman’s terms, a furry. This means that he and his other furry friends are often the subject of porn, ‘cuz furries are sex obsessed and stuff (A quick check at the Sonic the Hedgehog article on encyclopediadramatica would confirm this). Porn involving furries is what is known as “Yiff”, which is only below Jack Thompson in terms of vileness.
Simply being tied to such a community is reason enough to hate Sonic the Hedgehog. Similarly, you should hate Barack Obama, because he is tied to a man who is tied to a terrorist organization.
#4 – The Fanbase
If you were to ask somebody what the worst fanbase in the world is, chances are they would mention the Sonic fanbase. Or the Fallout fanbase, but that’s another article. Why? Because the fanbase is notoriously unpleasable, divided, and filled with furries (see above).
Earlier this year, the much-hyped “Project Needlemouse” was revealed to be Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Episode 1. And what did they do? Complain about it. And over, what, three seconds of gameplay footage? Screw analyzing the footage, you have to play the entire game before you can have an opinion about it. Except for me, of course, because the game is going to be great no matter what. Can’t they see that this is what they’ve always wanted?
And then there’s those stupid fanboys who are gushing over this game. They’ve never played the game, so why are they saying it’s the best thing ever? And how can they ignore all of the significant flaws seen in the leaked footage? There’s a freaking minecart level, in a sonic game! And there’s boostpads and springs EVERYWHERE! I’ve never played the game, but I can tell you that this game isn’t anything like the classics. How can they possibly say that this is what we’ve always wanted! Can’t they see that they’re blindly buying into the hype machine?
Obviously, you should hate the cretin that all of these raving lunatics are fawning over. Because it’s the imaginary character’s fault!
#3 – The Fanfiction
Fanfiction, no matter what it’s based off of, or who it is written by, is the literary equivalent of the plague. It’s so unoriginal, they’re not even making up their own characters, except the ones that they do, but those are just Mary Sues. Nor are they making up their own settings, except when they do, but then it’s just ruining the canon of the series. And I don’t agree with their interpretations of the story, therefore it’s wrong.
So you see, you should hate all fanfiction. And did you know that there’s Sonic fanfiction? I blame the company that made the original characters, because if they hadn’t, there wouldn’t be any fanfiction about the original characters. And by extension, I blame the original character, who in this case is Sonic.
#2 – 16 years of bad games
Fact: There hasn’t been a good Sonic game since Sonic & Knuckles, which was released in 1994. Even the supposedly good Sonic games since then suck. Sonic Adventure? It scored nearly 4 points lower on GameSpot when it was lazily ported to the Gamecube -a more powerful console- 4 years after it was originally released, with no significant improvements. For full price. Therefore, the original game sucked, and the 9 out of 10 was just launch goggles. GamesRadar said it, so it must be true!
Sonic Adventure 2? Too linear, and it introduced Shadow the Hedgehog, who is the worst character ever. Sonic Heroes? The four story modes weren’t different enough. Sonic Rush? One word: Boost. Sonic Rush Adventure? Same, with more cutscenes and motorboats. Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood? Glorified fanfiction. Sonic Rivals (and Sonic Rivals 2)? Pfft, that’s for the PSP, and nobody cares about the PSP. Disqualified.
See? No good games in 16 years. Anyone who says different is a fanboy, and/or a furry. You should hate Sonic for this alone!
#1 – It’s Cool
If you’re a hipster, and since you go to Nova I know you are, you simply must hate Sonic the Hedgehog. If you don’t, you can just turn in your hipster badge right now, because liking Sonic is so out of style. That was the nineties, man, get over it!
And if you’re a gaming journalist, it is an absolute prerequisite for the job. A day isn’t complete in the offices of GamesRadar, Destructoid, Joystiq, Gamespot, IGN, etc. if they don’t make a snide comment about Sonic. And gaming journalist’s opinions mean more than everyone else’s opinion, you should share their anti-sonic opinions, too. It’ll make your opinions seem more credible.
There you have it, five foolproof reasons why everyone, especially you, should hate Sonic the Hedgehog. Hate Sonic the Hedgehog yet? If not, you’re a uncool, fanfiction writing, furry fanboy who should crawl into a hole and die. Because the entire Internet hates you.
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NovaKnows.com is a journalism website created and maintained by students at Nova Alternative High School. Nova is a small community-orientated alternative program that is part of the Seattle Public School system.
