I’m not going to question why you’d want to bring harm to the ruler of the enemy. I mean, I thought he was governing his half of the checkered board in a pretty shabby manner, but beating up the King? It’s a step far beyond just winning fairly. It’s winning, but it’s downright dirty. Maybe you don’t like the color of his plastic, or glass, or whatever material the little figurehead’s made of. In whatever case, putting him in check isn’t enough, and you want him to feel the same checkerboard his comrades have been slaughtered on, so here’s how you go about doing it.

When it comes to the weapon(s) of choice here, it’s all about what looks frightening. It shouldn’t have to do any damage. You could use a toy laser gun, even. However, just in case this won’t work, you’ll want something you can dish out the pain with. I’ll explain why you need these later. Oh, and you will be required to shrink yourself, and your weapon.

When it comes to the shrinking process, it all boils down to what you’ve got in your arsenal. Personally, the shrink ray and washing machine are my two favorite options. I’m sure there are many others, but those are what I’m going with here. Successfully shrink yourself to about the size of a chess piece and it’s in the bag.

Now, chances are, if this is near the start of the battle, that the enemy has their King all coddled up within the crowd of many other military units. If this is the case, you’ll have to resort to this tactic. Disguise yourself as a rook (the little castle-type thingamajig), and place yourself near the front lines, in open range of an enemy pawn. On your turn, strike one of them. Instead of bringing them to the P.O.W. camp known as “the side of the board,” sneak off with the new pawn while the commanding officer of your disguise’s color isn’t looking, tie it to a chair, and get ready for the interrogation.

If this is mid-battle instead of near the start, you’ll need to disguise yourself as a pawn that made it far enough into the enemy territory to become the new queen. If you do this successfully, quickly and stealthily make your way up to one of the King’s escorts, known as the holy bishops, and capture one of them with the method from the previous paragraph. You are a third done with your mission if these steps have been completed successfully.

The next step lies in the interrogation. Hopefully you thought to make this happen in a place where you couldn’t be seen. If not, get to some area like that with your victim now. Okay, simply put, you’ve got to start with a prop-fueled threat, with the object that, when thought of as a weapon, would be quite intimidating. The toy ray gun I mentioned earlier would work great here, as pawns aren’t quite the fastest computers in the lab, if y’know what I’m sayin’. (What? I’m pretty sure they aren’t Macs.) Make the threat, and demand you know where the King is and how to get to him. If it refuses, inflict a small amount of pain to it. This is guaranteed to make the pawn talk.

Once you have the information, the rest lies in assaulting the enemy King. Move out on the field, and assassinate the bishops and rooks with the best of your abilities. Or knock them unconscious. That works, too. Once the King is the only target remaining, pounce him in a way that will render him unable to do anything but squirm from your grasp, on the cold, hard, checkered light or dark square. Start slapping him like crazy until he falls unconscious. A stun gun is optional for use here in case you don’t feel like slapping royalty silly. If you don’t manage to do this, chances are he’ll bust out some crazy close-range kung-fu moves that not even Queens have escaped from. After the King’s been knocked down, beat him up however you like, seeing as the enemy commanding officer will probably spot you, and accuse your ally commander of cheating, when, after all, he didn’t do anything. That’s just hilarious.

Now, the final step in the matter is to somehow grow back to your original size. There is a wide variety of ways you can do this. What are they, you ask? Well, that’s a secret. You’re on your own on that one. Well, maybe, just maybe, you could use a medieval stretching machine.

Well, if you managed to kick that King square in the bum, congratulate yourself. You used an extremely-complex method to topple that wicked tyrant, although, you could have just thrown something at him to knock him over. It’s really not that hard. But anyhow, you might just deserve a medal. Well…no. People will consider you a nutsy jerk when you go up to ‘em and brag about having beat up a Chess piece. Especially when you’re gloating to the person who owns the Chess set. Ah, glad I’m not stuck in that boat. Well, anyways, congratulations on your achievement, sir or ma’am. No board game figure will stand in your way ever again.